I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
