Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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