It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
