The maid of honor just puked.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
