Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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