It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
