Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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