i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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