Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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