Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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