You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
