im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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