I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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