The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
