my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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