He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
