My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
