i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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