Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
