I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
