then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
