Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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