it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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