She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
