meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had sex on a roof
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
