I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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