I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
birth control should be required to get into college
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
