I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
