There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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