just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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