He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
