you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
