I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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