The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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