onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Pooping to opera.
Randomize