i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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