finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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