Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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