So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
