I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
