i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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