He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need a hoe opinion
go on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
