What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
