Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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