haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
