Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
smell my finger.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize