listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
