I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
