why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
