the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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