my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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