I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
