sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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