Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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