Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
