Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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