Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
