My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
