I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
